**WARNING: I had written this entire post (almost) and this damn site deleted it for fun. This version is just a tad bit pissier as a result.**
Something that I've just really enjoyed since my relocation to San Antonio is the traffic. Oh wait, that's a lie. I was born with little patience. I don't like waiting and I do not like lazy.
Do not go into the "clear" lane that is closing in 500 feet just to cut back over into my lane. That pisses me off. Oh, you see me signalling to change lanes? That doesn't mean speed up jackass! It's raining and the roads here suck ass in the rain? Thank you for weaving in and out of traffic at high speeds.
Road rage pet peeves aside, there is one thing that I cannot stand from drivers- laziness. What in the hell is wrong with you? I'll share a little recap from my experience last night that will help you to understand why this post is happening.
Last night, 6:15p, Wal-Mart parking lot
First of all, it's common knowledge that Wal-Mart parking lots are the gathering place for idiots. Let's break down some of the dumbassery to be found:
1. People walk out in front of cars without looking. Yes, I acknowledge that the pedestrian has the right of way, but people suck at driving. You won't catch me ignoring that ingrained lesson to look both ways before crossing the street. I value my life.
2. People walk down the middle of the parking aisle. You know, where the cars are driving. Again, common sense is seriously lacking.
3. People park where others try to drive. It's called a fire lane.
4. 95% of those parking in the handicapped parking spots jump out of the vehicles and practically skip into the store. I must assume that mental defect is their handicap.
This list could continue, but I really must move on.
What happened last night was something that I see frequently in parking lots and it drives me bat shit insane. I entered the parking lot behind another vehicle. We proceed into the parking lot, toward the parking aisles that are closer to the entrances. This vehicle in front of me comes to a complete stop BECAUSE SOMEONE IS PUTTING GROCERIES IN THEIR TRUNK IN THE FIRST PARKING SPOT IN THE ROW. Mind you, this row- not even that close to the entrances.
I do the quick honk, giving that reminder that there are people *patiently* waiting behind them. The driver rolls down their window and waves me around. I'm sorry, around what? You want me to "drive around you" into oncoming traffic? Seriously?
I literally had no escape. So, I waited a few more moments. Surely, they would get tired of waiting on the people that were STILL LOADING GROCERIES INTO THEIR CAR. Nope, no such luck. I finally had to bite the bullet and do something dangerous- drive on the wrong side of the "road" to get around this baffoon. You better believe that I laid on the horn, rolled down my passenger side window, and gave that driver the fingering of a lifetime (ba-dun-cha) on my way past.
The moral of my story is stop being lazy. No one died from walking from a parking spot (unless they were walking in the middle of the row). You people piss me off so bad when you inconvenience me because you are afraid of some aerobic exercise. I'm a fatty with a child that I have to carry in and I manage- I'm pretty sure that you could do the same.
I've gotten a lot of page views on this blog but rarely see comments. Trolls, please comment. I want to know people are reading this. I want ideas on post topics. I want to hear your stories of driving habits that really piss you off.
Be sure that you follow me, as eventually I will stop posting these links on Facebook.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Celebrating the Small Things
Being a mother has really changed my perspective on life. For most, there are huge milestones in life that kind of mark your path of success. Graduating high school/college. Getting married. Buying your first house. That first big promotion. These are the stepping stones moving us through the life we always pictured.
Man, I miss those days. Somewhere between peeing on myself at work due to a sneeze at seven months pregnant and having baby shit sprayed all over me on that first day home from the hospital, I realized that motherhood was going to really fuck up my plan. Sure, most of us have a plan that includes children, but I have to admit that I was grossly underprepared for how that small nugget in the life plan would really change everything.
I wanted to take some time to capture those small things that you single folk take for granted. Use this post as a warning- parenthood can really suck.
Peeing in Peace
I found this to be a fitting starting point because this was one of the first freedoms that were stripped from me. You might be wondering why- babies can't barge into the bathroom from birth!
Let rewind to March 16, 2007. This was my second day into my induction to bring little Jacob Allen into the world. I still had that tinge of excitement. I had never been admitted to the hospital before, so I was very ignorant about what a huge pain in the ass that it was. By 1pm, I was bed sore from sitting in that bed for so long. The only time they let me out of the bed was to use the restroom. It was wonderful. I pretended that I needed to pee every hour, on the hour. Finally, my water broke! Good times right?
WRONG! Now, I was restricted to bed for good. Then, the invasion on my private pee time began.
"I need to pee- can someone help me up?"
"Ma'am, you can't get out of bed. I have a bed pan for you, so just lift up your bottom and I'll slide it under."
o.O
While it was pretty weirdly satisfying it pee in bed, it was just a little disturbing to pee in front of five people. In bed. And no one wiped me.
From there, you spend the first 8 months rushing off to the restroom doing what I like to call the "power push" to get you back out of there in record time.
Then, they can walk and it's all over from there. Now, when I get the chance, whether it's after they go to bed, while they are visiting Nana, or if I'm at work... I just savor every moment of peace, quiet, and solo bathroom time.
Sleeping In on the Weekend
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I think this is self-explanatory.
In Public, In Clean Clothes
It didn't take me long to realize that babies are ninjas. They could be strapped into their infant carrier, snapped onto their stroller, asleep with a pacifier in their mouth and still manage to spit up on the back of your shirt.
My experiences have taught me that society is half nice, half rotten bitch, as there have only been a few times that someone has graciously pointed out to me that I have nasty stink-bomb slime somewhere on my person. If you think it's embarassing for someone to let you know that your baby has used you like a toilet in a college dormitory, just imagine the wonderful feeling you get when you find the spit up on your clothes when getting undressed for the day...after Black Friday shopping... and you haven't seen your baby since that morning.
On behalf of mothers everywhere, I'd like to say the following to the public: fuck you.
It's a successful day when I can venture out of the house without looking like I moonlight at the local XXX cinema.
Pampering Myself
So here's the thing: kids are expensive. They need stuff. Special food. A pot to piss in. If you don't have money to handle a kid yet (as most of us don't), common sense says that one of the first things to go is all the crap we don't really need. Highlights. Pedicures. Cool electronic gadgets. On a quick side note: if you struggle for money to provide for your child but still have those nails done, you need to do some thinking.
Working under the assumption that you are financially prepared for a child (I was the second time around), you still see those personal splurges become a thing of the past. Mothers are hard-wired to care for their young. When we have "extra money", our first urge is to buy our child a new toy, new clothes, stock up on food, etc. We want to ensure they have everything that they need. The guilt that we experience when spending money on ourselves really takes away how good pampering feels. I frequently find myself at Wal-Mart or Target with a basket containing stuff for the house, for the kids, for the husband.... and one thing for me. After walking around the store shopping, standing in line to check out, I typically end up talking myself out of the item I picked out for myself. It's really annoying, as there were some things that I really wanted. A Jewish mother's guilt trip has nothing on the one that I give myself.
When I get the chance to have my "Shrek feet" taken care of, I cherish the memory for months.
To any mothers reading, what are some of the small things that you celebrate?
Man, I miss those days. Somewhere between peeing on myself at work due to a sneeze at seven months pregnant and having baby shit sprayed all over me on that first day home from the hospital, I realized that motherhood was going to really fuck up my plan. Sure, most of us have a plan that includes children, but I have to admit that I was grossly underprepared for how that small nugget in the life plan would really change everything.
I wanted to take some time to capture those small things that you single folk take for granted. Use this post as a warning- parenthood can really suck.
Peeing in Peace
I found this to be a fitting starting point because this was one of the first freedoms that were stripped from me. You might be wondering why- babies can't barge into the bathroom from birth!
Let rewind to March 16, 2007. This was my second day into my induction to bring little Jacob Allen into the world. I still had that tinge of excitement. I had never been admitted to the hospital before, so I was very ignorant about what a huge pain in the ass that it was. By 1pm, I was bed sore from sitting in that bed for so long. The only time they let me out of the bed was to use the restroom. It was wonderful. I pretended that I needed to pee every hour, on the hour. Finally, my water broke! Good times right?
WRONG! Now, I was restricted to bed for good. Then, the invasion on my private pee time began.
"I need to pee- can someone help me up?"
"Ma'am, you can't get out of bed. I have a bed pan for you, so just lift up your bottom and I'll slide it under."
o.O
While it was pretty weirdly satisfying it pee in bed, it was just a little disturbing to pee in front of five people. In bed. And no one wiped me.
From there, you spend the first 8 months rushing off to the restroom doing what I like to call the "power push" to get you back out of there in record time.
Then, they can walk and it's all over from there. Now, when I get the chance, whether it's after they go to bed, while they are visiting Nana, or if I'm at work... I just savor every moment of peace, quiet, and solo bathroom time.
Sleeping In on the Weekend
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I think this is self-explanatory.
In Public, In Clean Clothes
It didn't take me long to realize that babies are ninjas. They could be strapped into their infant carrier, snapped onto their stroller, asleep with a pacifier in their mouth and still manage to spit up on the back of your shirt.
My experiences have taught me that society is half nice, half rotten bitch, as there have only been a few times that someone has graciously pointed out to me that I have nasty stink-bomb slime somewhere on my person. If you think it's embarassing for someone to let you know that your baby has used you like a toilet in a college dormitory, just imagine the wonderful feeling you get when you find the spit up on your clothes when getting undressed for the day...after Black Friday shopping... and you haven't seen your baby since that morning.
On behalf of mothers everywhere, I'd like to say the following to the public: fuck you.
It's a successful day when I can venture out of the house without looking like I moonlight at the local XXX cinema.
Pampering Myself
So here's the thing: kids are expensive. They need stuff. Special food. A pot to piss in. If you don't have money to handle a kid yet (as most of us don't), common sense says that one of the first things to go is all the crap we don't really need. Highlights. Pedicures. Cool electronic gadgets. On a quick side note: if you struggle for money to provide for your child but still have those nails done, you need to do some thinking.
Working under the assumption that you are financially prepared for a child (I was the second time around), you still see those personal splurges become a thing of the past. Mothers are hard-wired to care for their young. When we have "extra money", our first urge is to buy our child a new toy, new clothes, stock up on food, etc. We want to ensure they have everything that they need. The guilt that we experience when spending money on ourselves really takes away how good pampering feels. I frequently find myself at Wal-Mart or Target with a basket containing stuff for the house, for the kids, for the husband.... and one thing for me. After walking around the store shopping, standing in line to check out, I typically end up talking myself out of the item I picked out for myself. It's really annoying, as there were some things that I really wanted. A Jewish mother's guilt trip has nothing on the one that I give myself.
When I get the chance to have my "Shrek feet" taken care of, I cherish the memory for months.
To any mothers reading, what are some of the small things that you celebrate?
Friday, December 14, 2012
Babies Having Babies
Let's face it. No 7-year old tells you that all they want to be when they grow up is a teen mom. It's no one's plan at that point in life. If we are being politically correct, it shouldn't be anyone's plan at any point in life. However, shit happens. It seems that when you are a teenager, all you want to do is play grown-up games, like experimenting with drugs, getting "wasted this weekend", and having sex. Looking back, I think to myself, "Who in the hell wants to win any of those games?"
Today's post centers on the game that has the most lasting consequence to playing: teen sex. It could be my narrow frame of reference, but teenage pregnancy is getting a lot of publicity these days. I'm not talking about statistical reports. I'm talking about the glamourization of having a child at a young age. While I love my trashy reality TV, I've watch with a growing horror as MTV has almost single-handedly made teenage pregnancy "hip". As I've sat and watched 16 & Pregnant, I've seen a lot of stories of young people going through the emotional rollercoaster of having a child at 16, 17, or 18. While they do add in the little editorial pieces of, "Having a baby has really changed my life and it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.... yadda yadda yadda...", they also have begun turning this "experience" into a paypay for some. Hello, Teen Mom.
What. The. Fuck.
With this show, MTV gives it viewers a look at life as a teen mom. Let me tell you, I don't think life looks too bad for these kids. You have some that somehow have decent houses to live in, by themselves, when they only work (as admitted on film) part-time. How in the hell do they afford that? You see others that take vacations. Must be nice! Then there are the ones that always have their hair highlighted and nails done. This is the life! Finally, we see ones who can go out and party, eat at restaurants for seemingly every meal, take drugs if they feel like it...you get the picture. Hot shit, I should have been a mom at the age of 16. This is sweet!
That's the impression of teenaged parenting that MTV has given our youth. Do I really think it's been that easy for those portrayed on the show? No, however MTV has paid these children to showcase their lives and in the background have done a wonderful (HA!) job of editing their footage to show lots of ups with not-so-many downs. I remember reading an article on Amber Portwood concerning her court issues (at least a magazine will let that dirty laundry air), and she had listed her income at over $100,000 for the year.
I almost shit my pants.
What makes this crap a sore spot for me is that I was a teen mom. I was 18 when I found out I was pregnant. As a person who never wanted to be a mother, I was devastated. There were tears, rants, and a lot of kicking myself in the ass for being one stupid motherfucker. For being so smart, I sure was dumb. I knew what came with having a baby so young and had no illusions of grandeur associated with my condition. The same can't necessarily be said for kids these days.
I recently found out that a family member of mine is living this story. She's 16 and pregnant. It's interesting to me, as for the last year and a half (or more), she's made continuous jokes about being pregnant, would take pictures of herself with a pillow under her shirt, and has started making those adult choices. When I found out she was pregnant, there was a moment of silence (as I was woken up with that phone call), followed by my thoughts of, "I'm not surprised". I'm not. To myself, the adult, she knew what the stakes were and based on her actions mentioned above, I started wondering if this was an accidental thing. Given the time she grew up in and how the stigma of teenage pregnancy has shifted from scarlet letter to status symbol, I wouldn't be surprised if she thought having a baby so young would be easy. It scares me for her, as I know that wake-up call is coming and is going to sting. I hope and pray that she gets the emotional support that she needs from our family.
All of that being said, I'm still happy for her. This relative is wonderful with children. She has those maternal instincts that I (still) don't possess. I have no doubt in my mind that she will be a wonderful mother. Do I wish that we were shifted forward 5-7 years? Of course, but who am I to judge? Being a teenage mother taught be so much about the type of grown up I wanted to be and pushed me to provide a life for my child that was better than what I had. I can say with complete honesty that without that push, it's very possible that I might be working at some restaurant waiting tables, wasting the money I earn because I have no drive to save it. Parenthood has been very good to me, but damn was it ever bad to me at times as well.
When I started this blog and was brainstorming topics, I intended to cover teenage pregnancy in a much different light. I hope that each of you can understand why the feeling on this topic is a little different at this moment. While I still have lots of rant pent up inside, I never want my relative to read this and feel that I am not there for them. Stay tuned for my next posting. I haven't decided on what topic I want to cover for sure, but it's bound to be awesome. I'll take off my serious hat for now. Thanks for reading!
Today's post centers on the game that has the most lasting consequence to playing: teen sex. It could be my narrow frame of reference, but teenage pregnancy is getting a lot of publicity these days. I'm not talking about statistical reports. I'm talking about the glamourization of having a child at a young age. While I love my trashy reality TV, I've watch with a growing horror as MTV has almost single-handedly made teenage pregnancy "hip". As I've sat and watched 16 & Pregnant, I've seen a lot of stories of young people going through the emotional rollercoaster of having a child at 16, 17, or 18. While they do add in the little editorial pieces of, "Having a baby has really changed my life and it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.... yadda yadda yadda...", they also have begun turning this "experience" into a paypay for some. Hello, Teen Mom.
What. The. Fuck.
With this show, MTV gives it viewers a look at life as a teen mom. Let me tell you, I don't think life looks too bad for these kids. You have some that somehow have decent houses to live in, by themselves, when they only work (as admitted on film) part-time. How in the hell do they afford that? You see others that take vacations. Must be nice! Then there are the ones that always have their hair highlighted and nails done. This is the life! Finally, we see ones who can go out and party, eat at restaurants for seemingly every meal, take drugs if they feel like it...you get the picture. Hot shit, I should have been a mom at the age of 16. This is sweet!
That's the impression of teenaged parenting that MTV has given our youth. Do I really think it's been that easy for those portrayed on the show? No, however MTV has paid these children to showcase their lives and in the background have done a wonderful (HA!) job of editing their footage to show lots of ups with not-so-many downs. I remember reading an article on Amber Portwood concerning her court issues (at least a magazine will let that dirty laundry air), and she had listed her income at over $100,000 for the year.
I almost shit my pants.
What makes this crap a sore spot for me is that I was a teen mom. I was 18 when I found out I was pregnant. As a person who never wanted to be a mother, I was devastated. There were tears, rants, and a lot of kicking myself in the ass for being one stupid motherfucker. For being so smart, I sure was dumb. I knew what came with having a baby so young and had no illusions of grandeur associated with my condition. The same can't necessarily be said for kids these days.
I recently found out that a family member of mine is living this story. She's 16 and pregnant. It's interesting to me, as for the last year and a half (or more), she's made continuous jokes about being pregnant, would take pictures of herself with a pillow under her shirt, and has started making those adult choices. When I found out she was pregnant, there was a moment of silence (as I was woken up with that phone call), followed by my thoughts of, "I'm not surprised". I'm not. To myself, the adult, she knew what the stakes were and based on her actions mentioned above, I started wondering if this was an accidental thing. Given the time she grew up in and how the stigma of teenage pregnancy has shifted from scarlet letter to status symbol, I wouldn't be surprised if she thought having a baby so young would be easy. It scares me for her, as I know that wake-up call is coming and is going to sting. I hope and pray that she gets the emotional support that she needs from our family.
All of that being said, I'm still happy for her. This relative is wonderful with children. She has those maternal instincts that I (still) don't possess. I have no doubt in my mind that she will be a wonderful mother. Do I wish that we were shifted forward 5-7 years? Of course, but who am I to judge? Being a teenage mother taught be so much about the type of grown up I wanted to be and pushed me to provide a life for my child that was better than what I had. I can say with complete honesty that without that push, it's very possible that I might be working at some restaurant waiting tables, wasting the money I earn because I have no drive to save it. Parenthood has been very good to me, but damn was it ever bad to me at times as well.
When I started this blog and was brainstorming topics, I intended to cover teenage pregnancy in a much different light. I hope that each of you can understand why the feeling on this topic is a little different at this moment. While I still have lots of rant pent up inside, I never want my relative to read this and feel that I am not there for them. Stay tuned for my next posting. I haven't decided on what topic I want to cover for sure, but it's bound to be awesome. I'll take off my serious hat for now. Thanks for reading!
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Bad Mom Moments
We've all had them. Those bad mom moments. I'm not talking about those times where your kid has an accident because they didn't listen to you or because they snuck away from you. I'm talking about those moments of conscious choice to just not give a damn...for a few seconds (or more).
I, like most mothers, like to think that I do a pretty good job at this whole "nurturing a small human who cannot care for themselves" thing. I can also admit that I have those moments where I thank whatever God is listening that I don't have to see my children only from 6p-8p on Wednesdays with supervision due to how completely I mess shit up. Sometimes, I'm an epic failure. What's worse? Sometimes these failures are by choice- which is pretty messed up.
Bad Mom Moment #1
It's probably best to start things off from the beginning of my journey to motherhood. That's right. I couldn 't even make it through pregnancy without thinking to myself, "Worst. Mom. Ever.". To set the stage, picture me (or yourself if you feel the need) at six months pregnant with your first child. Everything feels so....different. The stomach starts poking out. The baby is moving around, making you feel a little weird. You can't drown your sorrows in a bottle of anything but Tylenol.
On a particularly funky day, the loving husband was blabbering on about how excited he was for a baby. "It's so wonderful, so beautiful, so amazing...". Yes. Yes, it sure is. It's also exhausting, depressing, creepy at times. Once I grew tired of his incessant perkiness, my first bad mom moment struck. It started out as a normal, sarcastic sentence. Just me being funny. It ended badly, with me nearly shrieking. I'm 87% positive that my eyes turned red and I grew a few horns just for this moment.
"Why yes, sweetie, it's so wonderful. It's absolutely wonderful to get stretch marks. Oh, and let's not forget that heartburn- I've always wondered what it would feel like to want to cut my own throat. You know what's better than that? Playing host to a parasite that wants nothing more than to suck the life right out of you!!".
Then the realization hit. Oh shit. I just called my baby a parasite.
Regardless of the fact that my assessment of the situation was scientifically accurate, moms can't do that shit and not go to hell.
Bad Mom Moment #2
I won't keep these in chronological order, because I am wanting to share some of my favorites. The next moment comes from just last month. My second and youngest child started crawling, army style in October. He's gotten pretty good at getting around, so I've started being more cognizant of where I take off my shoes, blocking off areas that could kill him, etc. The house that we recently moved into has tile throughout, with the exception of the bedrooms. Great choice in theory. Probably a bad choice overall since I now constantly expect him to bust his head open at any moment.
As Jensen has gotten faster with his mobility, he's started covering a lot ground. Let's mix that with the fact that he's producing enough drool to spit shine a Cadillac every hour. Little puddles are showing up all over the floor, I'm assuming as a little present for a bare-footed Mommy.
One day last month, I was picking Jensen up from the floor after he had made a few laps around the living room when I noticed the front of his clothes were dirty. FILTHY. His spit had been dribbling down to his clothes and he had then been dragging that little tummy all across the house.
At that moment, inspiration struck. I'm working with the hypothesis that babies have clean mouths like dogs. Their spit must be pretty sanitary- only one thing goes in. Why couldn't I attach a little mopping cloth to the front of the baby before I let him down for some exercise? Let's work smarter, not harder!
Bad mom moment. I won't confess as to whether or not I tried it.
I want you readers to know that a dirty floor isn't my bad mom moment. I'll have you know I mop weekly. Daily if you count my lil' Roumba.
Bad Mom Moment(s) #3
This next example isn't a specific moment, as it's happened at least once a month for the last year. I should say that with a sense of shame, but I just can't, so we will just call it what it is.
The great thing about spending lots of time teaching your children those independent living skills is getting to cash on them in the clutch. The clutch, of course, being 7 AM on a Saturday morning. I can't say for sure if it was the second pregnancy that made me fall into this routine or a missing chip in my mom brain, however shortly before my first son's 5th birthday, I stopped functioning before 9 AM on a weekend unless there is a specific reason that I need to drag myself from my bed.
Jacob comes into my bedroom every weekend when he wakes up. Sometimes it's a normal time, while other times it is before the sun even rises. Being a light sleeper, I hear him come in and will always ask what he wants.
"I want some breakfast."
My response now?
"I give you permission to eat anything that you can reach that doesn't need to be cooked. I don't care if it's a pop tart or chocolate syrup. Come back after you eat."
When he gets back, I usually turn on the TV in my room, sit him on the bed beside me, and let him watch some cartoons while I do that half-sleep, half-conscious thing that all of you have probably done yourselves from time to time.
Problem? Solution! Bad mom moment.
I have plenty more bad mom moments to share, however I want to keep some for later writing. It keeps it interesting. I challenge you moms who might be reading to share your bad mom moments in the comments below.
I, like most mothers, like to think that I do a pretty good job at this whole "nurturing a small human who cannot care for themselves" thing. I can also admit that I have those moments where I thank whatever God is listening that I don't have to see my children only from 6p-8p on Wednesdays with supervision due to how completely I mess shit up. Sometimes, I'm an epic failure. What's worse? Sometimes these failures are by choice- which is pretty messed up.
Bad Mom Moment #1
It's probably best to start things off from the beginning of my journey to motherhood. That's right. I couldn 't even make it through pregnancy without thinking to myself, "Worst. Mom. Ever.". To set the stage, picture me (or yourself if you feel the need) at six months pregnant with your first child. Everything feels so....different. The stomach starts poking out. The baby is moving around, making you feel a little weird. You can't drown your sorrows in a bottle of anything but Tylenol.
On a particularly funky day, the loving husband was blabbering on about how excited he was for a baby. "It's so wonderful, so beautiful, so amazing...". Yes. Yes, it sure is. It's also exhausting, depressing, creepy at times. Once I grew tired of his incessant perkiness, my first bad mom moment struck. It started out as a normal, sarcastic sentence. Just me being funny. It ended badly, with me nearly shrieking. I'm 87% positive that my eyes turned red and I grew a few horns just for this moment.
"Why yes, sweetie, it's so wonderful. It's absolutely wonderful to get stretch marks. Oh, and let's not forget that heartburn- I've always wondered what it would feel like to want to cut my own throat. You know what's better than that? Playing host to a parasite that wants nothing more than to suck the life right out of you!!".
Then the realization hit. Oh shit. I just called my baby a parasite.
Regardless of the fact that my assessment of the situation was scientifically accurate, moms can't do that shit and not go to hell.
Bad Mom Moment #2
I won't keep these in chronological order, because I am wanting to share some of my favorites. The next moment comes from just last month. My second and youngest child started crawling, army style in October. He's gotten pretty good at getting around, so I've started being more cognizant of where I take off my shoes, blocking off areas that could kill him, etc. The house that we recently moved into has tile throughout, with the exception of the bedrooms. Great choice in theory. Probably a bad choice overall since I now constantly expect him to bust his head open at any moment.
As Jensen has gotten faster with his mobility, he's started covering a lot ground. Let's mix that with the fact that he's producing enough drool to spit shine a Cadillac every hour. Little puddles are showing up all over the floor, I'm assuming as a little present for a bare-footed Mommy.
One day last month, I was picking Jensen up from the floor after he had made a few laps around the living room when I noticed the front of his clothes were dirty. FILTHY. His spit had been dribbling down to his clothes and he had then been dragging that little tummy all across the house.
At that moment, inspiration struck. I'm working with the hypothesis that babies have clean mouths like dogs. Their spit must be pretty sanitary- only one thing goes in. Why couldn't I attach a little mopping cloth to the front of the baby before I let him down for some exercise? Let's work smarter, not harder!
Bad mom moment. I won't confess as to whether or not I tried it.
I want you readers to know that a dirty floor isn't my bad mom moment. I'll have you know I mop weekly. Daily if you count my lil' Roumba.
Bad Mom Moment(s) #3
This next example isn't a specific moment, as it's happened at least once a month for the last year. I should say that with a sense of shame, but I just can't, so we will just call it what it is.
The great thing about spending lots of time teaching your children those independent living skills is getting to cash on them in the clutch. The clutch, of course, being 7 AM on a Saturday morning. I can't say for sure if it was the second pregnancy that made me fall into this routine or a missing chip in my mom brain, however shortly before my first son's 5th birthday, I stopped functioning before 9 AM on a weekend unless there is a specific reason that I need to drag myself from my bed.
Jacob comes into my bedroom every weekend when he wakes up. Sometimes it's a normal time, while other times it is before the sun even rises. Being a light sleeper, I hear him come in and will always ask what he wants.
"I want some breakfast."
My response now?
"I give you permission to eat anything that you can reach that doesn't need to be cooked. I don't care if it's a pop tart or chocolate syrup. Come back after you eat."
When he gets back, I usually turn on the TV in my room, sit him on the bed beside me, and let him watch some cartoons while I do that half-sleep, half-conscious thing that all of you have probably done yourselves from time to time.
Problem? Solution! Bad mom moment.
I have plenty more bad mom moments to share, however I want to keep some for later writing. It keeps it interesting. I challenge you moms who might be reading to share your bad mom moments in the comments below.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
A Venture Into The Unknown
A blog is something that I've wanted to start for a long time. To me, I'm the funniest person I know, so why shouldn't I share my wit with the world. So what has stopped me? I'd like to think it's the full-time job. Or perhaps the two kids. Or that husband.
The truth is, I've never taken the leap to get "She Quips" started because I'm lazy. At the end of the day, I'd rather sit back on the couch (or lay in bed) and watch any and all reality television available. Who wouldn't?
First things first, we will do a quick introduction to who I am. I am Jenn, a 25 year-old mother of two (Jacob Allen, 5 and Jensen, 8 months). I have been married to a pretty awesome guy, Jacob, for about six and a half years and I don't have any real complaints about him. I work in the insurance industry and recently relocated to San Antonio, TX to further that career. We will cover some more personal background as we go.
My idea to start this specific blog came to me in May or June (I can't specifically remember) of 2011. I wanted that outlet to be funny and write. Thinking back to my school-aged days, I used to love to write, especially about things that irritated me. That's where the funny comes in. There is something very important that I want each of you readers (all two of you) to keep in mind: my humor tends to be negative. I don't consider myself a negative person in general, but the funny just keeps coming when I'm talking about something or someone that I do not particularly like. I won't tell you to "take it or leave it" because that crap pisses me off, so I'll stick with "I hope you understand the intent, despite the delivery" and see how that goes. In getting back to the history behind this blog, I wanted to kick off my blog about a very specific subject- technology and it's impact on society. Although I've done some of what I'll call "field research", I'm not writing that article today and it's unlikely that I'll write it before the new year. That particular subject is one that I'm going to build up to, as I just don't have that same drive to write it as I did 16 months ago. Again, the laziness.
There are a few topics that I have in mind for my next posting though, so if you are out there reading, tell me what you think.
1. Teenage pregnancy
2. Bad Mom Moments
3. Family Matters
I'll be back soon!
The truth is, I've never taken the leap to get "She Quips" started because I'm lazy. At the end of the day, I'd rather sit back on the couch (or lay in bed) and watch any and all reality television available. Who wouldn't?
First things first, we will do a quick introduction to who I am. I am Jenn, a 25 year-old mother of two (Jacob Allen, 5 and Jensen, 8 months). I have been married to a pretty awesome guy, Jacob, for about six and a half years and I don't have any real complaints about him. I work in the insurance industry and recently relocated to San Antonio, TX to further that career. We will cover some more personal background as we go.
My idea to start this specific blog came to me in May or June (I can't specifically remember) of 2011. I wanted that outlet to be funny and write. Thinking back to my school-aged days, I used to love to write, especially about things that irritated me. That's where the funny comes in. There is something very important that I want each of you readers (all two of you) to keep in mind: my humor tends to be negative. I don't consider myself a negative person in general, but the funny just keeps coming when I'm talking about something or someone that I do not particularly like. I won't tell you to "take it or leave it" because that crap pisses me off, so I'll stick with "I hope you understand the intent, despite the delivery" and see how that goes. In getting back to the history behind this blog, I wanted to kick off my blog about a very specific subject- technology and it's impact on society. Although I've done some of what I'll call "field research", I'm not writing that article today and it's unlikely that I'll write it before the new year. That particular subject is one that I'm going to build up to, as I just don't have that same drive to write it as I did 16 months ago. Again, the laziness.
There are a few topics that I have in mind for my next posting though, so if you are out there reading, tell me what you think.
1. Teenage pregnancy
2. Bad Mom Moments
3. Family Matters
I'll be back soon!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)