Celebrating the Small Things

Being a mother has really changed my perspective on life. For most, there are huge milestones in life that kind of mark your path of success. Graduating high school/college. Getting married. Buying your first house. That first big promotion. These are the stepping stones moving us through the life we always pictured.

Man, I miss those days. Somewhere between peeing on myself at work due to a sneeze at seven months pregnant and having baby shit sprayed all over me on that first day home from the hospital, I realized that motherhood was going to really fuck up my plan. Sure, most of us have a plan that includes children, but I have to admit that I was grossly underprepared for how that small nugget in the life plan would really change everything.

I wanted to take some time to capture those small things that you single folk take for granted. Use this post as a warning- parenthood can really suck.

Peeing in Peace
I found this to be a fitting starting point because this was one of the first freedoms that were stripped from me. You might be wondering why- babies can't barge into the bathroom from birth!

Let rewind to March 16, 2007. This was my second day into my induction to bring little Jacob Allen into the world. I still had that tinge of excitement. I had never been admitted to the hospital before, so I was very ignorant about what a huge pain in the ass that it was. By 1pm, I was bed sore from sitting in that bed for so long. The only time they let me out of the bed was to use the restroom. It was wonderful. I pretended that I needed to pee every hour, on the hour. Finally, my water broke! Good times right?

WRONG! Now, I was restricted to bed for good. Then, the invasion on my private pee time began.

"I need to pee- can someone help me up?"

"Ma'am, you can't get out of bed. I have a bed pan for you, so just lift up your bottom and I'll slide it under."

o.O

While it was pretty weirdly satisfying it pee in bed, it was just a little disturbing to pee in front of five people. In bed. And no one wiped me.

From there, you spend the first 8 months rushing off to the restroom doing what I like to call the "power push" to get you back out of there in record time.

Then, they can walk and it's all over from there. Now, when I get the chance, whether it's after they go to bed, while they are visiting Nana, or if I'm at work... I just savor every moment of peace, quiet, and solo bathroom time.


Sleeping In on the Weekend
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I think this is self-explanatory.


In Public, In Clean Clothes
It didn't take me long to realize that babies are ninjas. They could be strapped into their infant carrier, snapped onto their stroller, asleep with a pacifier in their mouth and still manage to spit up on the back of your shirt.

My experiences have taught me that society is half nice, half rotten bitch, as there have only been a few times that someone has graciously pointed out to me that I have nasty stink-bomb slime somewhere on my person. If you think it's embarassing for someone to let you know that your baby has used you like a toilet in a college dormitory, just imagine the wonderful feeling you get when you find the spit up on your clothes when getting undressed for the day...after Black Friday shopping... and you haven't seen your baby since that morning.

On behalf of mothers everywhere, I'd like to say the following to the public: fuck you.

It's a successful day when I can venture out of the house without looking like I moonlight at the local XXX cinema.


Pampering Myself
So here's the thing: kids are expensive. They need stuff. Special food. A pot to piss in. If you don't have money to handle a kid yet (as most of us don't), common sense says that one of the first things to go is all the crap we don't really need. Highlights. Pedicures. Cool electronic gadgets. On a quick side note: if you struggle for money to provide for your child but still have those nails done, you need to do some thinking.

Working under the assumption that you are financially prepared for a child (I was the second time around), you still see those personal splurges become a thing of the past. Mothers are hard-wired to care for their young. When we have "extra money", our first urge is to buy our child a new toy, new clothes, stock up on food, etc. We want to ensure they have everything that they need. The guilt that we experience when spending money on ourselves really takes away how good pampering feels. I frequently find myself at Wal-Mart or Target with a basket containing stuff for the house, for the kids, for the husband.... and one thing for me. After walking around the store shopping, standing in line to check out, I typically end up talking myself out of the item I picked out for myself. It's really annoying, as there were some things that I really wanted. A Jewish mother's guilt trip has nothing on the one that I give myself.

When I get the chance to have my "Shrek feet" taken care of, I cherish the memory for months.


To any mothers reading, what are some of the small things that you celebrate?